Over the summer I briefly dated a man that I've mentioned in previous posts. This was a man..... that I met on OKCupid. (Yes, the dating website) I reactivated an old profile at a point in time when I felt beyond sick of dwelling on my ex - and knew I needed to have my palate cleansed, so to speak.
Once my account was up and running, I talked with a few guys, and went on a date with one man whom I decided against meeting for a second. Then I met my summer guy, and we hit it off immediately. But, although things seemed promising at first, they didn't last very long. Still, it was fun, and it really helped me to move on from the serious breakup that occurred eleven months earlier.
After Mr. OKC and I stopped dating, we remained "friends" (without benefits) for about a month. Despite the lack of benefits, it was a confusing situation. He was the one who had decided to end things - yet he sort of continued to lead me on in subtle, and in not so subtle ways, while we were "friends". I began feeling like an ego boost for him, instead of a friend. Eventually I confronted him about this and we stopped speaking. I genuinely enjoyed communicating with him, as well as his company, so I was disappointed about losing touch - but it was for the best.
This was all a very long introduction to the main point of this post - which is related to something he told me after we had stopped dating. We spoke regularly - practically daily - and often about our musings related to OK Cupid.
During one of these conversations, he (half) jokingly suggested that I select "casual sex" as one of the things I was looking for. To this, my immediate response was simply - "ew, no!"
"Come on, do it - just for a day. Do it for twelve hours, just to see what happens."
This suggestion obviously amused him, and his reaction peaked my curiosity.
"Haha, do guys.... I mean people, really filter search for that so much?" I asked.
His response - "um, yes".
I couldn't help but wonder what effect upon my inbox his proposed experiment might have. But, I regularly came across the profiles of friends and professional acquaintances, and even saw some of them in my list of profile visitors once in a while.... So, stating that I was looking for casual sex (which I am not) was simply not an option in my mind.... At least, not on my own profile.
You see.... curiosity has always been one of my strengths (also one of my weaknesses) and my desire to see the results of this little experiment eventually got the best of me. I decided to satisfy my inquisitive mind anonymously by creating a second OK Cupid profile. In my "casual sex profile" I uploaded a single non-identifying photograph and filled out just enough information to make it seem like I was indeed a real woman, seeking casual sex. Being somewhat versed in the scientific method, I needed to have some basis of comparison for the results I was about to observe - a control of sorts. Simple enough - I filled out the profile and uploaded the photo, and left it up for one day before indicating that I was looking for casual sex. I received one message.
Satisfied with this "data" I began the actual experiment by altering nothing on my profile, except for the parameter which stated I was looking for casual sex. It was unbelievable. Within twenty four hours I received 45 messages.... (Yes, that is one message/24hrs prior to selecting casual sex, as compared to forty-five messages/24hrs after selecting it). I guess my ex-friend knew what he was talking about. Funny enough, I saw that he even visited my (fake) profile (although, he did not message me).
If you are curious, feel free to perform this experiment yourself - it is easy enough, and I don't doubt that the results will be equally dramatic. Guys that might be reading this, hey you could even do it too if you feel so inclined.
Anyhow, you may be wondering what I've done with my sexually liberated alter ego. And no- I haven't erased her. I quickly discovered that there were a few duplicate senders - that is men who sent messages to my fake profile, that also messaged my real self.... and so I've developed my very own screening method.
Hey, I once heard someone describe online dating as being like defensive driving. You never know when someone is representing themselves, or their intentions, falsely. I hold nothing against people who are first and foremost seeking physical connections - but this is not my own agenda. Clearly, the men seeking this far outnumber the women (at least on OK Cupid...) and as many of us ladies have learned the hard way at one point or another - it is very possible to be led to believe that someone whom you are beginning to like, is looking for something real - only to later discover that you were, as they say, played. I say, better safe than sorry.
Showing posts with label men and women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men and women. Show all posts
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Dating and Emotional Detachment
Earlier today while I was talking with a friend, we discussed our experiences dating men that seemed to be capable of detaching themselves emotionally all too easily. We went through breakups at almost exactly the same time, and as such, spent hours lamenting, venting and emoting to each other about our struggles to move on. I couldn't help feeling a bit envious of these men - on one hand, it seems like the fact that they had things easier is a no brainer.
At one point, our discussion led to a thought that we happened to share - which we admitted was a mutual fear. Are all men capable of emotional detachment on a whim?
Well - it certainly adheres to a very cliched way of thinking, but if for nothing else than the sake of my own well being, I refuse to believe this is the case. But the truth is - after experiencing the pain of having someone you love rip out your heart without notice, and without seeming to care nearly as much as you might expect they would - the prospect of going through it again is terrifying.
It was only after I had been thinking about this issue for an hour or so that I recalled a conversation I had with the man who would later break my heart - about this very issue. We talked about sensitivity, as I confided in him that this particular trait of mine was, in my opinion, a liability. I told him that I wished I could make myself feel less, tune down my emotions, but that I hadn't yet figured out a way to do this. He responded, saying that I was lucky - that he used to be more like I was, but had changed after getting hurt time and again. He confessed that he considered the way that he was now - emotionally tuned out - to be a far greater liability than my sensitivity. I told him that I wished I could be more like that, and he said, "trust me - you really don't."
Over the next year, while we were together, he seemed to be comfortable opening up in ways that he told me he hadn't been able to in nearly a decade. Yet, in the end, I was shocked, and unbearably hurt by how cold he could be.
About eleven months later I finally met someone else who peaked my interest - and we dated for about six weeks. It was a fun experience, but in the end, he too seemed to be emotionally tuned out (albeit to a lesser degree than my former love). I was not nearly as devastated as I had been after my former break-up, yet I was still disappointed. To be honest, I couldn't help feeling slightly discouraged about the prospect of finding someone that would be good for me - that could make me happy in the long run.
Upon reflecting a bit more, I realized that although I'd been disappointed by my previous two dating experiences, I'd come away from them having learned a great deal about myself - what I need, what I want, and perhaps most importantly, what I don't want in a relationship. In fact, I'd even say I learned nearly as much from my six week mini-relationship as I did from the one that lasted a year and a half. So the learning curve has improved, which is good news.
However I figured why not maximize my chances of success by seeking wisdom from external sources? And that is exactly what I've done - especially in relation to the topic of dealing with emotionally unavailable people in the dating world - how to spot them, how to avoid being hurt by them, and how to handle them if and when they do come into your life. Below are a few links to articles that I found particularly insightful:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/
http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/2011/10/28/fyi-being-emotionally-detached-is-not-a-good-quality-to-have/
Finally, here is a link to an article about the "pushy pully game" which the author claims is a frequent favorite of the emotionally detached culprit. It resonated with me, as I definitely related to the type of behavior she described. Next time I find myself a pawn in the pushy pully game, I hope I will have the good sense to run in the other direction:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-games-the-pushey-pulley-game/
At one point, our discussion led to a thought that we happened to share - which we admitted was a mutual fear. Are all men capable of emotional detachment on a whim?
Well - it certainly adheres to a very cliched way of thinking, but if for nothing else than the sake of my own well being, I refuse to believe this is the case. But the truth is - after experiencing the pain of having someone you love rip out your heart without notice, and without seeming to care nearly as much as you might expect they would - the prospect of going through it again is terrifying.
It was only after I had been thinking about this issue for an hour or so that I recalled a conversation I had with the man who would later break my heart - about this very issue. We talked about sensitivity, as I confided in him that this particular trait of mine was, in my opinion, a liability. I told him that I wished I could make myself feel less, tune down my emotions, but that I hadn't yet figured out a way to do this. He responded, saying that I was lucky - that he used to be more like I was, but had changed after getting hurt time and again. He confessed that he considered the way that he was now - emotionally tuned out - to be a far greater liability than my sensitivity. I told him that I wished I could be more like that, and he said, "trust me - you really don't."
Over the next year, while we were together, he seemed to be comfortable opening up in ways that he told me he hadn't been able to in nearly a decade. Yet, in the end, I was shocked, and unbearably hurt by how cold he could be.
About eleven months later I finally met someone else who peaked my interest - and we dated for about six weeks. It was a fun experience, but in the end, he too seemed to be emotionally tuned out (albeit to a lesser degree than my former love). I was not nearly as devastated as I had been after my former break-up, yet I was still disappointed. To be honest, I couldn't help feeling slightly discouraged about the prospect of finding someone that would be good for me - that could make me happy in the long run.
Upon reflecting a bit more, I realized that although I'd been disappointed by my previous two dating experiences, I'd come away from them having learned a great deal about myself - what I need, what I want, and perhaps most importantly, what I don't want in a relationship. In fact, I'd even say I learned nearly as much from my six week mini-relationship as I did from the one that lasted a year and a half. So the learning curve has improved, which is good news.
However I figured why not maximize my chances of success by seeking wisdom from external sources? And that is exactly what I've done - especially in relation to the topic of dealing with emotionally unavailable people in the dating world - how to spot them, how to avoid being hurt by them, and how to handle them if and when they do come into your life. Below are a few links to articles that I found particularly insightful:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/
http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/2011/10/28/fyi-being-emotionally-detached-is-not-a-good-quality-to-have/
Finally, here is a link to an article about the "pushy pully game" which the author claims is a frequent favorite of the emotionally detached culprit. It resonated with me, as I definitely related to the type of behavior she described. Next time I find myself a pawn in the pushy pully game, I hope I will have the good sense to run in the other direction:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-games-the-pushey-pulley-game/
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