When It's Over #2 - A Reader's Story

Last night, I received a very touching email from a reader who shared her story with me- it was inspired by the latter part of the quote from Veronica Mars (the TV show) which I included in the previous blog post.  To save you from the need to scroll down:

"You can laser a guy's name off your ass, but I wonder whether you can really ever cut him out of your heart."

It seemed to resonate with her, and she sent me the following message: 

The cutting him out of your heart? There isn't enough room here for what I have to say about that.

About an hour later, I received the following email - which is so well written that I have basically copied and pasted it with minimal editing, below:

So, I have been married for more than 8 years.  Since having children, my marriage became very stagnant.  I wasn't happy and didn't feel like my husband was either.  Sex became non-existent in my house.  

That was when I met him.  Actually - that is a lie.  I knew him for a few years through work but had only seen him a few times.  He is a vendor for the company that I work for.  I ended up spending an entire afternoon on the phone with him, getting to know him and longing for more.  The next few weeks, were like a dream come true.  Not only did he share his heart and soul with me, but he listened to me.  He was truly interested in me, my life, my hopes and dreams, my worries, my fears, everything.  Who would have thought I could fall in love with someone over the phone.  But I did, and so did he.  It was amazing.  

After our relationship kicked off, I left my husband and you can probably guess the rest.  He (my love affair) pushed me away.  He is a Godly man and didn't want to be the reason my marriage fell apart.  He begged me to work on my marriage.  He too had been married and divorced and knew the pain of his wife walking away because she fell in love with someone else.  So, I took his advise and worked on my marriage.  

It's been almost a year now, my marriage is getting better everyday and I do still love my husband.  Marriage isn't easy but nothing in life is.

So, you ask why your post moved me?  Well, although I am fighting for my marriage, I am also fighting to let him go.  I still love him.  We won't talk for weeks, and then he sends me a text or an email reminding me that he still loves me.  He tells me how beautiful I am, what a wonderful person I am, and how he wishes he could wake me up with a kiss in the morning.  

I know you are thinking "such a stupid girl" - but I can't help these feelings.  Yes, I have tried desperately to remove him from my life.  And so has he.  But, you CAN NOT JUST CUT SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR HEART!  In my quiet moments, I often think of him and wonder what my life would be like with him.  Would I fit into his world, with his family, with his children.  Would he fit in my world?  

I have a great life.  My husband has done a complete 360 and treats me like a queen.  But will this last or we will go back to that stagnant place we once lived?  

My love affair was strictly emotional.  There was no sex involved.  Well, that is a bit of a lie as well.  There wasn't sex but there was a kiss.  A magical kiss.  His lips were perfect.  It was the kind of kiss that makes you weak in the knees, praying it never ends.  And the hug - how can a simple hug be so incredibly intimate?  He held me so tight.  It must have lasted for 30 minutes.  There was no talking, no moving, just squeezing each other as if we both knew it would be the last hug we ever shared .  Tears ran down my face, as I was terrified to let him go.  All the "what ifs" ran through my mind, confusing me but still not letting me release  him.
  

Most women that fall in love, love with every fiber of their being.  We will do anything to take care of them and to prove that love.  We're not light switches though.  We can't just turn it off when he quietly walks away.  

I still love him.  I still long to feel that hug, those lips, that one moment that took my breath away.  

The biggest problem with this relationship though is that I am not the victim.  I am the suspect.  I am a married woman.  I allowed my heart and soul to focus on another man instead of the one that continues to love me, even after I broke his heart.

So, you see, I fell in love with another man.   Another man that loves me so much, he would risk losing me all together to know that I was keeping my promise to God, my husband, my children, and  myself.

But how do I let him go?  How do I walk away from someone that loves me that much?  How do I cut him out of my heart?

Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

Dating and Emotional Detachment

Earlier today while I was talking with a friend, we discussed our experiences dating men that seemed to be capable of detaching themselves emotionally all too easily.  We went through breakups at almost exactly the same time, and as such, spent hours lamenting, venting and emoting to each other about our struggles to move on.  I couldn't help feeling a bit envious of these men - on one hand, it seems like the fact that they had things easier is a no brainer.


At one point, our discussion led to a thought that we happened to share - which we admitted was a mutual fear.  Are all men capable of emotional detachment on a whim?

Well - it certainly adheres to a very cliched way of thinking, but if for nothing else than the sake of my own well being, I refuse to believe this is the case.  But the truth is - after experiencing the pain of having someone you love rip out your heart without notice, and without seeming to care nearly as much as you might expect they would - the prospect of going through it again is terrifying.

It was only after I had been thinking about this issue for an hour or so that I recalled a conversation I had with the man who would later break my heart - about this very issue.  We talked about sensitivity, as I confided in him that this particular trait of mine was, in my opinion, a liability.  I told him that I wished I could make myself feel less, tune down my emotions, but that I hadn't yet figured out a way to do this.  He responded, saying that I was lucky - that he used to be more like I was, but had changed after getting hurt time and again.  He confessed that he considered the way that he was now - emotionally tuned out - to be a far greater liability than my sensitivity.  I told him that I wished I could be more like that, and he said, "trust me - you really don't."

Over the next year, while we were together, he seemed to be comfortable opening up in ways that he told me he hadn't been able to in nearly a decade.  Yet, in the end, I was shocked, and unbearably hurt by how cold he could be.

About eleven months later I finally met someone else who peaked my interest - and we dated for about six weeks.  It was a fun experience, but in the end, he too seemed to be emotionally tuned out (albeit to a lesser degree than my former love).  I was not nearly as devastated as I had been after my former break-up, yet I was still disappointed.  To be honest, I couldn't help feeling slightly discouraged about the prospect of finding someone that would be good for me - that could make me happy in the long run.

Upon reflecting a bit more, I realized that although I'd been disappointed by my previous two dating experiences, I'd come away from them having learned a great deal about myself - what I need, what I want, and perhaps most importantly, what I don't want in a relationship.  In fact, I'd even say I learned nearly as much from my six week mini-relationship as I did from the one that lasted a year and a half.  So the learning curve has improved, which is good news.

However I figured why not maximize my chances of success by seeking wisdom from external sources?  And that is exactly what I've done - especially in relation to the topic of dealing with emotionally unavailable people in the dating world - how to spot them, how to avoid being hurt by them, and how to handle them if and when they do come into your life.  Below are a few links to articles that I found particularly insightful:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/

http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/2011/10/28/fyi-being-emotionally-detached-is-not-a-good-quality-to-have/


Finally, here is a link to an article about the "pushy pully game" which the author claims is a frequent favorite of the emotionally detached culprit.  It resonated with me, as I definitely related to the type of behavior she described.  Next time I find myself a pawn in the pushy pully game, I hope I will have the good sense to run in the other direction:


http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-games-the-pushey-pulley-game/