When It's Over #2 - A Reader's Story

Last night, I received a very touching email from a reader who shared her story with me- it was inspired by the latter part of the quote from Veronica Mars (the TV show) which I included in the previous blog post.  To save you from the need to scroll down:

"You can laser a guy's name off your ass, but I wonder whether you can really ever cut him out of your heart."

It seemed to resonate with her, and she sent me the following message: 

The cutting him out of your heart? There isn't enough room here for what I have to say about that.

About an hour later, I received the following email - which is so well written that I have basically copied and pasted it with minimal editing, below:

So, I have been married for more than 8 years.  Since having children, my marriage became very stagnant.  I wasn't happy and didn't feel like my husband was either.  Sex became non-existent in my house.  

That was when I met him.  Actually - that is a lie.  I knew him for a few years through work but had only seen him a few times.  He is a vendor for the company that I work for.  I ended up spending an entire afternoon on the phone with him, getting to know him and longing for more.  The next few weeks, were like a dream come true.  Not only did he share his heart and soul with me, but he listened to me.  He was truly interested in me, my life, my hopes and dreams, my worries, my fears, everything.  Who would have thought I could fall in love with someone over the phone.  But I did, and so did he.  It was amazing.  

After our relationship kicked off, I left my husband and you can probably guess the rest.  He (my love affair) pushed me away.  He is a Godly man and didn't want to be the reason my marriage fell apart.  He begged me to work on my marriage.  He too had been married and divorced and knew the pain of his wife walking away because she fell in love with someone else.  So, I took his advise and worked on my marriage.  

It's been almost a year now, my marriage is getting better everyday and I do still love my husband.  Marriage isn't easy but nothing in life is.

So, you ask why your post moved me?  Well, although I am fighting for my marriage, I am also fighting to let him go.  I still love him.  We won't talk for weeks, and then he sends me a text or an email reminding me that he still loves me.  He tells me how beautiful I am, what a wonderful person I am, and how he wishes he could wake me up with a kiss in the morning.  

I know you are thinking "such a stupid girl" - but I can't help these feelings.  Yes, I have tried desperately to remove him from my life.  And so has he.  But, you CAN NOT JUST CUT SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR HEART!  In my quiet moments, I often think of him and wonder what my life would be like with him.  Would I fit into his world, with his family, with his children.  Would he fit in my world?  

I have a great life.  My husband has done a complete 360 and treats me like a queen.  But will this last or we will go back to that stagnant place we once lived?  

My love affair was strictly emotional.  There was no sex involved.  Well, that is a bit of a lie as well.  There wasn't sex but there was a kiss.  A magical kiss.  His lips were perfect.  It was the kind of kiss that makes you weak in the knees, praying it never ends.  And the hug - how can a simple hug be so incredibly intimate?  He held me so tight.  It must have lasted for 30 minutes.  There was no talking, no moving, just squeezing each other as if we both knew it would be the last hug we ever shared .  Tears ran down my face, as I was terrified to let him go.  All the "what ifs" ran through my mind, confusing me but still not letting me release  him.
  

Most women that fall in love, love with every fiber of their being.  We will do anything to take care of them and to prove that love.  We're not light switches though.  We can't just turn it off when he quietly walks away.  

I still love him.  I still long to feel that hug, those lips, that one moment that took my breath away.  

The biggest problem with this relationship though is that I am not the victim.  I am the suspect.  I am a married woman.  I allowed my heart and soul to focus on another man instead of the one that continues to love me, even after I broke his heart.

So, you see, I fell in love with another man.   Another man that loves me so much, he would risk losing me all together to know that I was keeping my promise to God, my husband, my children, and  myself.

But how do I let him go?  How do I walk away from someone that loves me that much?  How do I cut him out of my heart?

Thank you for allowing me to share my story.