Earlier today while I was talking with a friend, we discussed our experiences dating men that seemed to be capable of detaching themselves emotionally all too easily. We went through breakups at almost exactly the same time, and as such, spent hours lamenting, venting and emoting to each other about our struggles to move on. I couldn't help feeling a bit envious of these men - on one hand, it seems like the fact that they had things easier is a no brainer.
At one point, our discussion led to a thought that we happened to share - which we admitted was a mutual fear. Are all men capable of emotional detachment on a whim?
Well - it certainly adheres to a very cliched way of thinking, but if for nothing else than the sake of my own well being, I refuse to believe this is the case. But the truth is - after experiencing the pain of having someone you love rip out your heart without notice, and without seeming to care nearly as much as you might expect they would - the prospect of going through it again is terrifying.
It was only after I had been thinking about this issue for an hour or so that I recalled a conversation I had with the man who would later break my heart - about this very issue. We talked about sensitivity, as I confided in him that this particular trait of mine was, in my opinion, a liability. I told him that I wished I could make myself feel less, tune down my emotions, but that I hadn't yet figured out a way to do this. He responded, saying that I was lucky - that he used to be more like I was, but had changed after getting hurt time and again. He confessed that he considered the way that he was now - emotionally tuned out - to be a far greater liability than my sensitivity. I told him that I wished I could be more like that, and he said, "trust me - you really don't."
Over the next year, while we were together, he seemed to be comfortable opening up in ways that he told me he hadn't been able to in nearly a decade. Yet, in the end, I was shocked, and unbearably hurt by how cold he could be.
About eleven months later I finally met someone else who peaked my interest - and we dated for about six weeks. It was a fun experience, but in the end, he too seemed to be emotionally tuned out (albeit to a lesser degree than my former love). I was not nearly as devastated as I had been after my former break-up, yet I was still disappointed. To be honest, I couldn't help feeling slightly discouraged about the prospect of finding someone that would be good for me - that could make me happy in the long run.
Upon reflecting a bit more, I realized that although I'd been disappointed by my previous two dating experiences, I'd come away from them having learned a great deal about myself - what I need, what I want, and perhaps most importantly, what I don't want in a relationship. In fact, I'd even say I learned nearly as much from my six week mini-relationship as I did from the one that lasted a year and a half. So the learning curve has improved, which is good news.
However I figured why not maximize my chances of success by seeking wisdom from external sources? And that is exactly what I've done - especially in relation to the topic of dealing with emotionally unavailable people in the dating world - how to spot them, how to avoid being hurt by them, and how to handle them if and when they do come into your life. Below are a few links to articles that I found particularly insightful:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/
http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/2011/10/28/fyi-being-emotionally-detached-is-not-a-good-quality-to-have/
Finally, here is a link to an article about the "pushy pully game" which the author claims is a frequent favorite of the emotionally detached culprit. It resonated with me, as I definitely related to the type of behavior she described. Next time I find myself a pawn in the pushy pully game, I hope I will have the good sense to run in the other direction:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-games-the-pushey-pulley-game/
