When It's Over #3 - Response to Reader's Story (When It's Over #2)

OK so here are my thoughts, take them or leave them as you see fit.  I am not an expert on love by any means, and while I doubt such a person REALLY exists, I feel I should preface with that.  I started my blog based on my own curiosity about love's complexities after my first experience with it - and like most things in life, it seems collaboration and cooperation always yield the best results.  Thus the importance of reader feedback/stories etc.

Anyhow, that seems a sufficient intro so here are my thoughts.  You ask

How do I let him go?  How do I walk away from someone that loves me that much?  How do I cut him out of my heart?

And my answers will probably not be satisfying but here they are - while you can steer it in the right direction - you can't control your heart.  He will probably always be in your heart, but like with any loss (think about your experiences losing friends, loved ones family, etc) time makes things better.  In fact, time is the only thing that helps, and while it will never erase your memories, your feelings will fade in time (although they will probably never disappear).  Every day you say your marriage is getting better - what a beautiful thing!  Be proud of yourself for deciding to honor your promise and let your thoughts drift to the knowledge that you are happier in your marriage than you have been in ... years?  Try to remember the early days of your relationship with your husband.... the more you think about them, the more you'll remember the feelings you once shared, which will help you to revive them! 

Regarding "Him" - it sounds like you have to have contact with him due to your work.  That is tough.  No contact is definitely the best way to allow yourself the distance you'll need to give your marriage the best shot it has.  You must know this, and I know how much easier it is said than done, but cutting your contact with him will be best for you in the long run.  That idea probably seems unbearable.  Believe me, I GET that (been there) - so maybe try this. 

Your quiet moments that come - when you think about him - well, he has those moments too.  I guarantee you that, you live on in his thoughts, and his memories.  Cutting contact will be difficult for both of you - but you really should, to be fair to yourSELF.  Tell yourself that you'll have absolutely zero contact with him for two years (one if that seems too unbearable) - for now, start with that.  It will be hard.  But it WILL get easier! 

Do everything that you can to rekindle your feelings for your husband.  Take romantic weekend trips, spice up your sex life - do whatever you need to to revive the intimacy in your marriage.... Realize how lucky you are that your husband WANTS to do the work it will take, and that because of that, you guys have a real shot.  Try to think about things you can do to accomplish this goal whenever you find yourself feeling lonely, with your thoughts drifting towards him.  They'll still drift towards him, don't beat yourself up for that, but in time, and with PRACTICE (yes, you can train yourself to change your thoughts, and like everything else, it takes work) you will think of him less and less.

I hope this helps a little bit.  I'm glad to hear that you realize how many good things that you have in your life - and don't beat yourself up for struggling to move on.  You are doing the best you can!  Keep it up. 

Thanks so much for sharing your story and your thoughts.

When It's Over #2 - A Reader's Story

Last night, I received a very touching email from a reader who shared her story with me- it was inspired by the latter part of the quote from Veronica Mars (the TV show) which I included in the previous blog post.  To save you from the need to scroll down:

"You can laser a guy's name off your ass, but I wonder whether you can really ever cut him out of your heart."

It seemed to resonate with her, and she sent me the following message: 

The cutting him out of your heart? There isn't enough room here for what I have to say about that.

About an hour later, I received the following email - which is so well written that I have basically copied and pasted it with minimal editing, below:

So, I have been married for more than 8 years.  Since having children, my marriage became very stagnant.  I wasn't happy and didn't feel like my husband was either.  Sex became non-existent in my house.  

That was when I met him.  Actually - that is a lie.  I knew him for a few years through work but had only seen him a few times.  He is a vendor for the company that I work for.  I ended up spending an entire afternoon on the phone with him, getting to know him and longing for more.  The next few weeks, were like a dream come true.  Not only did he share his heart and soul with me, but he listened to me.  He was truly interested in me, my life, my hopes and dreams, my worries, my fears, everything.  Who would have thought I could fall in love with someone over the phone.  But I did, and so did he.  It was amazing.  

After our relationship kicked off, I left my husband and you can probably guess the rest.  He (my love affair) pushed me away.  He is a Godly man and didn't want to be the reason my marriage fell apart.  He begged me to work on my marriage.  He too had been married and divorced and knew the pain of his wife walking away because she fell in love with someone else.  So, I took his advise and worked on my marriage.  

It's been almost a year now, my marriage is getting better everyday and I do still love my husband.  Marriage isn't easy but nothing in life is.

So, you ask why your post moved me?  Well, although I am fighting for my marriage, I am also fighting to let him go.  I still love him.  We won't talk for weeks, and then he sends me a text or an email reminding me that he still loves me.  He tells me how beautiful I am, what a wonderful person I am, and how he wishes he could wake me up with a kiss in the morning.  

I know you are thinking "such a stupid girl" - but I can't help these feelings.  Yes, I have tried desperately to remove him from my life.  And so has he.  But, you CAN NOT JUST CUT SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR HEART!  In my quiet moments, I often think of him and wonder what my life would be like with him.  Would I fit into his world, with his family, with his children.  Would he fit in my world?  

I have a great life.  My husband has done a complete 360 and treats me like a queen.  But will this last or we will go back to that stagnant place we once lived?  

My love affair was strictly emotional.  There was no sex involved.  Well, that is a bit of a lie as well.  There wasn't sex but there was a kiss.  A magical kiss.  His lips were perfect.  It was the kind of kiss that makes you weak in the knees, praying it never ends.  And the hug - how can a simple hug be so incredibly intimate?  He held me so tight.  It must have lasted for 30 minutes.  There was no talking, no moving, just squeezing each other as if we both knew it would be the last hug we ever shared .  Tears ran down my face, as I was terrified to let him go.  All the "what ifs" ran through my mind, confusing me but still not letting me release  him.
  

Most women that fall in love, love with every fiber of their being.  We will do anything to take care of them and to prove that love.  We're not light switches though.  We can't just turn it off when he quietly walks away.  

I still love him.  I still long to feel that hug, those lips, that one moment that took my breath away.  

The biggest problem with this relationship though is that I am not the victim.  I am the suspect.  I am a married woman.  I allowed my heart and soul to focus on another man instead of the one that continues to love me, even after I broke his heart.

So, you see, I fell in love with another man.   Another man that loves me so much, he would risk losing me all together to know that I was keeping my promise to God, my husband, my children, and  myself.

But how do I let him go?  How do I walk away from someone that loves me that much?  How do I cut him out of my heart?

Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

When It's Over #1

Anyone who watches the show Mad Men is familiar with its outstanding theme song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcRr-Fb5xQo

The raw and intense rhythm of the opening credits is an excellent match to the series' plot line, which, among other things, incorporates the emotional highs and lows of the characters' relationships (including numerous extramarital affairs).  In the most recent season, two of the main characters decide to end a major long-term relationship and the adjustments that accompany this decision are central to the storyline.  In case anyone is unfamiliar with the show, I won't give away any more of the plot - but I wanted to include one of my favorite quotes about the process of moving on:

"There is no fresh start.  Lives carry on."

To quote another of my favorite shows (Veronica Mars - seriously check it out if you haven't, and if you already have and you loved it, chances are we'd get along very well)

"You can laser a guy's name off your ass, but I wonder whether you can really ever cut him out of your heart."

Now, the shows' heroine is both a high school student and a highly intelligent female, but I'd like to believe that that quote applies outside of the contexts of youth and the female gender - because if so, and if seen in a positive light, then love never leaves us empty handed.  It may leave its scars, but there is always something to be taken - lessons, memories and other changes that are impossible for even the world's best wordsmiths to articulate.

More to come soon!!!  To share your own experiences and thoughts about the process of moving on after a breakup (anonymously, as always!!) please email:

 lovesexnromance@gmail.com