When It's Over #3 - Response to Reader's Story (When It's Over #2)

OK so here are my thoughts, take them or leave them as you see fit.  I am not an expert on love by any means, and while I doubt such a person REALLY exists, I feel I should preface with that.  I started my blog based on my own curiosity about love's complexities after my first experience with it - and like most things in life, it seems collaboration and cooperation always yield the best results.  Thus the importance of reader feedback/stories etc.

Anyhow, that seems a sufficient intro so here are my thoughts.  You ask

How do I let him go?  How do I walk away from someone that loves me that much?  How do I cut him out of my heart?

And my answers will probably not be satisfying but here they are - while you can steer it in the right direction - you can't control your heart.  He will probably always be in your heart, but like with any loss (think about your experiences losing friends, loved ones family, etc) time makes things better.  In fact, time is the only thing that helps, and while it will never erase your memories, your feelings will fade in time (although they will probably never disappear).  Every day you say your marriage is getting better - what a beautiful thing!  Be proud of yourself for deciding to honor your promise and let your thoughts drift to the knowledge that you are happier in your marriage than you have been in ... years?  Try to remember the early days of your relationship with your husband.... the more you think about them, the more you'll remember the feelings you once shared, which will help you to revive them! 

Regarding "Him" - it sounds like you have to have contact with him due to your work.  That is tough.  No contact is definitely the best way to allow yourself the distance you'll need to give your marriage the best shot it has.  You must know this, and I know how much easier it is said than done, but cutting your contact with him will be best for you in the long run.  That idea probably seems unbearable.  Believe me, I GET that (been there) - so maybe try this. 

Your quiet moments that come - when you think about him - well, he has those moments too.  I guarantee you that, you live on in his thoughts, and his memories.  Cutting contact will be difficult for both of you - but you really should, to be fair to yourSELF.  Tell yourself that you'll have absolutely zero contact with him for two years (one if that seems too unbearable) - for now, start with that.  It will be hard.  But it WILL get easier! 

Do everything that you can to rekindle your feelings for your husband.  Take romantic weekend trips, spice up your sex life - do whatever you need to to revive the intimacy in your marriage.... Realize how lucky you are that your husband WANTS to do the work it will take, and that because of that, you guys have a real shot.  Try to think about things you can do to accomplish this goal whenever you find yourself feeling lonely, with your thoughts drifting towards him.  They'll still drift towards him, don't beat yourself up for that, but in time, and with PRACTICE (yes, you can train yourself to change your thoughts, and like everything else, it takes work) you will think of him less and less.

I hope this helps a little bit.  I'm glad to hear that you realize how many good things that you have in your life - and don't beat yourself up for struggling to move on.  You are doing the best you can!  Keep it up. 

Thanks so much for sharing your story and your thoughts.

When It's Over #2 - A Reader's Story

Last night, I received a very touching email from a reader who shared her story with me- it was inspired by the latter part of the quote from Veronica Mars (the TV show) which I included in the previous blog post.  To save you from the need to scroll down:

"You can laser a guy's name off your ass, but I wonder whether you can really ever cut him out of your heart."

It seemed to resonate with her, and she sent me the following message: 

The cutting him out of your heart? There isn't enough room here for what I have to say about that.

About an hour later, I received the following email - which is so well written that I have basically copied and pasted it with minimal editing, below:

So, I have been married for more than 8 years.  Since having children, my marriage became very stagnant.  I wasn't happy and didn't feel like my husband was either.  Sex became non-existent in my house.  

That was when I met him.  Actually - that is a lie.  I knew him for a few years through work but had only seen him a few times.  He is a vendor for the company that I work for.  I ended up spending an entire afternoon on the phone with him, getting to know him and longing for more.  The next few weeks, were like a dream come true.  Not only did he share his heart and soul with me, but he listened to me.  He was truly interested in me, my life, my hopes and dreams, my worries, my fears, everything.  Who would have thought I could fall in love with someone over the phone.  But I did, and so did he.  It was amazing.  

After our relationship kicked off, I left my husband and you can probably guess the rest.  He (my love affair) pushed me away.  He is a Godly man and didn't want to be the reason my marriage fell apart.  He begged me to work on my marriage.  He too had been married and divorced and knew the pain of his wife walking away because she fell in love with someone else.  So, I took his advise and worked on my marriage.  

It's been almost a year now, my marriage is getting better everyday and I do still love my husband.  Marriage isn't easy but nothing in life is.

So, you ask why your post moved me?  Well, although I am fighting for my marriage, I am also fighting to let him go.  I still love him.  We won't talk for weeks, and then he sends me a text or an email reminding me that he still loves me.  He tells me how beautiful I am, what a wonderful person I am, and how he wishes he could wake me up with a kiss in the morning.  

I know you are thinking "such a stupid girl" - but I can't help these feelings.  Yes, I have tried desperately to remove him from my life.  And so has he.  But, you CAN NOT JUST CUT SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR HEART!  In my quiet moments, I often think of him and wonder what my life would be like with him.  Would I fit into his world, with his family, with his children.  Would he fit in my world?  

I have a great life.  My husband has done a complete 360 and treats me like a queen.  But will this last or we will go back to that stagnant place we once lived?  

My love affair was strictly emotional.  There was no sex involved.  Well, that is a bit of a lie as well.  There wasn't sex but there was a kiss.  A magical kiss.  His lips were perfect.  It was the kind of kiss that makes you weak in the knees, praying it never ends.  And the hug - how can a simple hug be so incredibly intimate?  He held me so tight.  It must have lasted for 30 minutes.  There was no talking, no moving, just squeezing each other as if we both knew it would be the last hug we ever shared .  Tears ran down my face, as I was terrified to let him go.  All the "what ifs" ran through my mind, confusing me but still not letting me release  him.
  

Most women that fall in love, love with every fiber of their being.  We will do anything to take care of them and to prove that love.  We're not light switches though.  We can't just turn it off when he quietly walks away.  

I still love him.  I still long to feel that hug, those lips, that one moment that took my breath away.  

The biggest problem with this relationship though is that I am not the victim.  I am the suspect.  I am a married woman.  I allowed my heart and soul to focus on another man instead of the one that continues to love me, even after I broke his heart.

So, you see, I fell in love with another man.   Another man that loves me so much, he would risk losing me all together to know that I was keeping my promise to God, my husband, my children, and  myself.

But how do I let him go?  How do I walk away from someone that loves me that much?  How do I cut him out of my heart?

Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

When It's Over #1

Anyone who watches the show Mad Men is familiar with its outstanding theme song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcRr-Fb5xQo

The raw and intense rhythm of the opening credits is an excellent match to the series' plot line, which, among other things, incorporates the emotional highs and lows of the characters' relationships (including numerous extramarital affairs).  In the most recent season, two of the main characters decide to end a major long-term relationship and the adjustments that accompany this decision are central to the storyline.  In case anyone is unfamiliar with the show, I won't give away any more of the plot - but I wanted to include one of my favorite quotes about the process of moving on:

"There is no fresh start.  Lives carry on."

To quote another of my favorite shows (Veronica Mars - seriously check it out if you haven't, and if you already have and you loved it, chances are we'd get along very well)

"You can laser a guy's name off your ass, but I wonder whether you can really ever cut him out of your heart."

Now, the shows' heroine is both a high school student and a highly intelligent female, but I'd like to believe that that quote applies outside of the contexts of youth and the female gender - because if so, and if seen in a positive light, then love never leaves us empty handed.  It may leave its scars, but there is always something to be taken - lessons, memories and other changes that are impossible for even the world's best wordsmiths to articulate.

More to come soon!!!  To share your own experiences and thoughts about the process of moving on after a breakup (anonymously, as always!!) please email:

 lovesexnromance@gmail.com

New Posts

Hello and thank you so much for reading this blog!! As I state elsewhere, I started the blog with the hope that I would incorporate ideas, stories and thoughts from readers into my own reflections about certain topics.  Over the past few days, I have been attempting to reach out to new readers and encourage feedback about the topics that I plan to write about in upcoming posts.

I have received a bit of feedback from readers, which has been awesome (thanks you guys!!)  But, I am hoping to be able to write with a broader perspective, and for that it would be ideal to hear from a few more folks. 

In the posts below entitled "When It's Over" and "Sex and Dating - Casual Sex, Lets Talk About It" I describe  ideas for upcoming posts that I'd like to write about, which include moving on after breakups and casual sex in the world of modern dating.  In those posts, I pose a few questions I'd like to reflect upon as I write the upcoming pieces.  Ideally, I hope to incorporate your ideas and experiences, as well as my own. 

If you have enjoyed what you've read here thus far, I ask you to consider sharing your thoughts/experiences/other feedback about the topics that I plan to write about in upcoming articles.

To do so please email:

lovesexnromance@gmail.com

ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL STAY ANONYMOUS (MUCH LIKE MY OWN PERSONAL INFO)

I will not use any identifying information from any email that I receive (names, etc)  If you feel more comfortable using anonymous comments to communicate, feel free to do that too.

Sex and Dating - Casual Sex, Lets Talk About It

It is no secret that the rules/norms of dating and sex have changed dramatically within the last few generations.  And today, internet dating throws its own wrench into the mix.

Although everyone approaches sex differently (ie what it means to them, when they're ready for it, etc) casual sex (which has, of course, always been around) has become much more commonplace, and much more acceptable as compared to several decades ago.

So - it seems the rules have changed, but have people changed?   Is this a good thing?

And regarding casual sex -when is it a mistake vs what we really want - always, never, when we're on vacation?

Readers, I want to hear your thoughts.  When it comes to sex, what rules do you set for yourself - or do you even have rules?  If you do - how have you made them?

Share your stories, experiences, and thoughts - I'm developing a post about this topic and I'd love your input!

lovesexnromance@gmail.com

AND REMEMBER, EVERYTHING STAYS ANONYMOUS!!

Poll #1 - OK Cupid - the google of online dating?

OK so we've mentioned our own experiences (and experiments) that involve OK Cupid.

It has gotten to the point where I don't really feel embarrassed mentioning my OK Cupid (or OKC as aficionados say) profile's existence non-anonymously, that is, in real life (note the use of first person speech denoting my seriousness).  A surprisingly large proportion of single people we know in New York, San Francisco, and Chicago are on it now - it almost even seems like NOT having a profile is the new weird.

So readers, I am curious.... just how common has online dating become?  OKC seems to be the "google of online dating" (OK to be fair, that is what they say about themselves...) So lets see!

Tell me (anonymously of course!!!)


ARE YOU ON OK CUPID????

We've Added A Poll!!

Please participate in our poll (top right corner of the screen)

When It's Over....

A devastating breakup can impact virtually every aspect of someone's life.   Thoughts and emotions connected to a relationship's ending can potentially consume the majority of one's time and energy, and significantly impact one's sense of well being.  Time usually helps - but there is no rhyme or reason to how the process will be experienced, or for how long it will take.

Coming up:  what does letting go mean to different people?  How does one get past dwelling in the past, and why does that seem to happen so often?

Stories?  Thoughts?  Ideas?

SHARE THEM ANONYMOUSLY BY EMAILING:

 

               lovesexnromance@gmail.com

OK Cupid Experiment - the Female Interested in Casual Sex

Over the summer I briefly dated a man that I've mentioned in previous posts.  This was a man..... that I met on OKCupid.  (Yes, the dating website)  I reactivated an old profile at a point in time when I felt beyond sick of dwelling on my ex - and knew I needed to have my palate cleansed, so to speak.

Once my account was up and running, I talked with a few guys, and went on a date with one man whom I decided against meeting for a second.  Then I met my summer guy, and we hit it off immediately.  But, although things seemed promising at first, they didn't last very long.  Still, it was fun, and it really helped me to move on from the serious breakup that occurred eleven months earlier.

After Mr. OKC and I stopped dating, we remained "friends" (without benefits) for about a month.  Despite the lack of benefits, it was a confusing situation.  He was the one who had decided to end things - yet he sort of continued to lead me on in subtle, and in not so subtle ways, while we were "friends".  I began feeling like an ego boost for him, instead of a friend.  Eventually I confronted him about this and we stopped speaking.  I genuinely enjoyed communicating with him, as well as his company, so I was disappointed about losing touch - but it was for the best.


This was all a very long introduction to the main point of this post - which is related to something he told me after we had stopped dating.  We spoke regularly - practically daily - and often about our musings related to OK Cupid.

During one of these conversations, he (half) jokingly suggested that I select "casual sex" as one of the things I was looking for.  To this, my immediate response was simply - "ew, no!"


"Come on, do it - just for a day.  Do it for twelve hours, just to see what happens."

This suggestion obviously amused him, and his reaction peaked my curiosity.

"Haha, do guys.... I mean people, really filter search for that so much?" I asked.

His response - "um, yes".



I couldn't help but wonder what effect upon my inbox his proposed experiment might have.  But, I regularly came across the profiles of friends and professional acquaintances, and even saw some of them in my list of profile visitors once in a while.... So, stating that I was looking for casual sex (which I am not) was simply not an option in my mind.... At least, not on my own profile.


You see.... curiosity has always been one of my strengths (also one of my weaknesses) and my desire to see the results of this little experiment eventually got the best of me.  I decided to satisfy my inquisitive mind anonymously by creating a second OK Cupid profile.  In my "casual sex profile"  I uploaded a single non-identifying photograph and filled out just enough information to make it seem like I was indeed a real woman, seeking casual sex.  Being somewhat versed in the scientific method, I needed to have some basis of comparison for the results I was about to observe - a control of sorts.  Simple enough - I filled out the profile and uploaded the photo, and left it up for one day before indicating that I was looking for casual sex.   I received one message.


Satisfied with this "data" I began the actual experiment by altering nothing on my profile, except for the parameter which stated I was looking for casual sex.  It was unbelievable.  Within twenty four hours I received 45 messages.... (Yes, that is one message/24hrs prior to selecting casual sex, as compared to forty-five messages/24hrs after selecting it).  I guess my ex-friend knew what he was talking about.  Funny enough, I saw that he even visited my (fake) profile (although, he did not message me).

If you are curious, feel free to perform this experiment yourself - it is easy enough, and I don't doubt that the results will be equally dramatic.  Guys that might be reading this, hey you could even do it too if you feel so inclined.  

Anyhow, you may be wondering what I've done with my sexually liberated alter ego.  And no- I haven't erased her.  I quickly discovered that there were a few duplicate senders - that is men who sent messages to my fake profile, that also messaged my real self.... and so I've developed my very own screening method.

Hey, I once heard someone describe online dating as being like defensive driving.  You never know when someone is representing themselves, or their intentions, falsely.   I hold nothing against people who are first and foremost seeking physical connections - but this is not my own agenda.  Clearly, the men seeking this far outnumber the women (at least on OK Cupid...) and as many of us ladies have learned the hard way at one point or another - it is very possible to be led to believe that someone whom you are beginning to like, is looking for something real - only to later discover that you were, as they say, played.  I say, better safe than sorry.

Dating and Emotional Detachment

Earlier today while I was talking with a friend, we discussed our experiences dating men that seemed to be capable of detaching themselves emotionally all too easily.  We went through breakups at almost exactly the same time, and as such, spent hours lamenting, venting and emoting to each other about our struggles to move on.  I couldn't help feeling a bit envious of these men - on one hand, it seems like the fact that they had things easier is a no brainer.


At one point, our discussion led to a thought that we happened to share - which we admitted was a mutual fear.  Are all men capable of emotional detachment on a whim?

Well - it certainly adheres to a very cliched way of thinking, but if for nothing else than the sake of my own well being, I refuse to believe this is the case.  But the truth is - after experiencing the pain of having someone you love rip out your heart without notice, and without seeming to care nearly as much as you might expect they would - the prospect of going through it again is terrifying.

It was only after I had been thinking about this issue for an hour or so that I recalled a conversation I had with the man who would later break my heart - about this very issue.  We talked about sensitivity, as I confided in him that this particular trait of mine was, in my opinion, a liability.  I told him that I wished I could make myself feel less, tune down my emotions, but that I hadn't yet figured out a way to do this.  He responded, saying that I was lucky - that he used to be more like I was, but had changed after getting hurt time and again.  He confessed that he considered the way that he was now - emotionally tuned out - to be a far greater liability than my sensitivity.  I told him that I wished I could be more like that, and he said, "trust me - you really don't."

Over the next year, while we were together, he seemed to be comfortable opening up in ways that he told me he hadn't been able to in nearly a decade.  Yet, in the end, I was shocked, and unbearably hurt by how cold he could be.

About eleven months later I finally met someone else who peaked my interest - and we dated for about six weeks.  It was a fun experience, but in the end, he too seemed to be emotionally tuned out (albeit to a lesser degree than my former love).  I was not nearly as devastated as I had been after my former break-up, yet I was still disappointed.  To be honest, I couldn't help feeling slightly discouraged about the prospect of finding someone that would be good for me - that could make me happy in the long run.

Upon reflecting a bit more, I realized that although I'd been disappointed by my previous two dating experiences, I'd come away from them having learned a great deal about myself - what I need, what I want, and perhaps most importantly, what I don't want in a relationship.  In fact, I'd even say I learned nearly as much from my six week mini-relationship as I did from the one that lasted a year and a half.  So the learning curve has improved, which is good news.

However I figured why not maximize my chances of success by seeking wisdom from external sources?  And that is exactly what I've done - especially in relation to the topic of dealing with emotionally unavailable people in the dating world - how to spot them, how to avoid being hurt by them, and how to handle them if and when they do come into your life.  Below are a few links to articles that I found particularly insightful:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/

http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/2011/10/28/fyi-being-emotionally-detached-is-not-a-good-quality-to-have/


Finally, here is a link to an article about the "pushy pully game" which the author claims is a frequent favorite of the emotionally detached culprit.  It resonated with me, as I definitely related to the type of behavior she described.  Next time I find myself a pawn in the pushy pully game, I hope I will have the good sense to run in the other direction:


http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-games-the-pushey-pulley-game/

A Woman's Prerogative

As I begin this blog, I do so with a particular personal experience in mind.  Admittedly, and annoyingly, I find my thoughts lingering upon it, and a certain individual for much longer than the better part of me realizes that they should.  To be specific, I am somewhat relentless, mentally that is, in analyzing my most recent dating history, and the fellow who turned out to provide me with a rather fleeting period of excitement, followed by a shallow, yet non-benign episode of disappointment.

At least he cleansed my palate, so to speak.  The one before lingered on for far too long.  The one before had been my first love - and far more significant in terms of my life, my time, and my personal development.  My heart felt broken for about eight months...